Somewhere between birth and roughly age three, I suffered a substantial decline in social intelligence. My earliest memory of one significant incident was being left in the care of total strangers in St. Raphael’s hospital in New Haven, Connecticut. I went to sleep only to wake up in great pain – the result of having had my tonsils removed. I remember being given an orange Popsicle to eat. I also remember throwing it up before I was half way through.
Hospital Trauma
It’s no accident that I’ve retained this memory for almost 60 years! Current traumatology research points to a very high probability of traumatic memory formed in the wake of any hospital procedure that uses a general anesthetic. In my case, it appears that my autonomic nervous system retained awareness that sharp implements were cutting pieces of flesh out of my throat. In response it sent out fight or flight chemicals (adrenaline, cortisol, etc.), the same as it would do if I were consciously awake and experiencing the pain of this traumatic assault. But, because my body was immobilized, what I ended up with was PTSD, and an intense dislike of orange Popsicles. And a growing fear of strangers.
The Power of Powerlessness
It’s freezing or being immobilized that seems to cause much of the problem, as evidenced by the next insult to my social intelligence. This took place at around age four. My older sister, Andrea was pushing me on a swing in the park across the street from our house on Carlyle Street. I can clearly recall the exhilarating feeling of going up just a little bit too high on the back swing and the thrill of arcing back down and then gliding up into the front arc. On the next downswing however, I was suddenly struck full in the face and knocked painfully to the ground. Blood began flowing freely, and my eyes filled with tears as I lay immobilized on the ground with my nose beginning to swell rapidly. Through those tear-filled eyes I saw my sister yelling at a girl who was running with her little brother out of the park. For no known reason, she had simply walked up and smashed me in the face as I swung toward her. This experience too, carved large inhibition grooves on my emerging social intelligence. It was becoming clearer: strangers were not safe.
Public Humiliation
The next incident I recall came when I started public school. I remember standing in the lunch line amidst a whole group of new kids, most of whom I did not know. Johnny Mathis, the one kid I did know, was standing behind me. Suddenly, he grabbed hold of my arms and held me as he yelled out to the other kids: “Look at Brady and his wimpy, pointed elbows!” I remember being held frozen and turning tomato-red as all the other kids stared at me, or rather, at my elbows and laughed. Strike three of dozens – hanging out with strange people had become way too hurtful for me. Still, it took a number of other immobilizing and painful experiences at the hands of strangers before my social intelligence was essentially reduced to zero. (One result: I spent seventh through twelfth grade public school never uttering a single word in any class).
The Tragedy of the Common
The tragedy of seemingly innocuous events such as these (when viewed through 1950s knowledge and sensibilities) is that they foster conditions that are completely antithetical to the way the brain is designed and ideally structured to unfold. As I’ve since learned from Peter Levine’s and Maggie Kline’s book, Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes, a typical childhood is filled with experiences of all kinds that disrupt, disorganize and delay optimal neural development. Many of them happen without any parental or adult awareness of grave damage done. Here are a few pictures of everyday incidents demonstrating what I mean:
In each of these pictures the experience of emotional overwhelm in combination with immobilization appears to store these experiences similar to the way it records and stores real life-threatening incidents. The same neurotransmitters are involved. The same brain disorganization results.
Waking Up to Brain Development
Parents, teachers and childcare workers would be wise to be aware of the neural disorganization incidents like these can produce. One good intervention in the wake of such experiences is to have the child stand up and move – walk or run. Repeating movements like Brain Gym or Smart Moves that cross the midline of the body (making the sign of the cross?) are also helpful. Finally, some kind of “triumphant action” is further useful to diminish the sense of powerlessness resulting from such overwhelming experiences. Actively working to transform it in this way provides greater power for developing confident social intelligence.
Mark,
I have felt your pain. At age 6 I had my tonsils out. My mother had just remarried–a psychiatrist no less. I got new pajamas, new slippers and coloring books to take to the hospital. I got a lot of attention however, everyone forgot to tell me how much it was going to hurt. Also they could have warned me about the rectal thermometer. When I got home, I didn’t speak for about 5-6 weeks. My parents said I just looked terribly sad. I wouldn’t eat either so they doctored up milkshakes. Finally my dad couldn’t stand it anymore and just pushed and pushed until I started crying and said, “how could you do something so awful to somebody you loved.” The rest of the story is that prior to my mother’s marriage I had lived with my aunt out in the country for 3 years. My mother kept my older brother and sister. So within six months of her marriage I had lost the only mother-figure I had ever known, I got a new dad who knew nothing about kids, moved to the grounds of a neuropsychiatric hospital, lived in a two bedroom, one bath duplex with my mom (who had forgotten how to deal with a little child), my new dad, my brother and sister. These people were virtual strangers to me. Then they jerk my tonsils out. I can still remember the smell of the ether.
Fast forward to the future…I still deal with abandonment and entitlement issues. I’m professionally successful, but that’s about it. I’m better but still have a “row to hoe.”
Karen
http://calicorizzo.blogspot.com/
cool cool cool!!
Mark,
You are touching here a sore place for so many (all?) children and adults, remembering their childhood in embodied, emotional, and relational ways. I could offer a story of my own, but I’d rather not re-traumatize myself.
I might offer that when I spontaneously (by association), or consciously recall trauma, I take a moment to heal, right here and now. I re-image it with a sense of the power to reshape my experience and my perception of it.
With my children (and in my work with clients), I often suggest a simple bedtime exercise of reversing the day. We go backwards mentally, highlighting events during the day from night to morning (when we woke up in our bed). We stop briefly and reimage those events that feel hurtful. We then quickly, imaginally scan the day from morning to night seeing these events in their corrected form.
This is also a good exercise for bonding with a child and making amends for the errors of the day (e.g., being impatient with or inconsiderate of each other). It is not simply an apology and does not focus on the regret. Rather it restructures the relationship and implement the seed for change.
Thanks for sharing your work. It is a gift every week.
Warmly,
Dorit
Now Mark… please explain it to me again….
Why is it you didn’t turn in to Hannibal Lechter?
That’s really the most fascinating question… at least to me… but I’m sort of odd.
with the greatest of respect,
Wes
Thanks for reminding me about the tonsillectomy. Also, thanks for mentioning Brain Gym®. As a licensed Brain Gym consultant/instructor I immediately used Brain Gym to neutralize the trauma of that long-ago tonsillectomy and its trauma. This freed up the energy using to hold the past trauma in place for more creative use. Cristina poweredbygenius.com
Hello Mark,
How powerful! So few men are EVER apart of childcare settings accept in their own homes thank God! Large groups with their constant stranger changes are an ongoing nightmare just ripe for restructuring too!
Yet having witnessed the miracles of restoration in extreme circumstances, please let me encourage you to speak using the words that will produce the outcomes you most want to see today. It is finally your turn to choose. You are that powerful and also long overdue to experience your true potential.
Yes! As adults we often forget having been children the minute we become parents. But as more of us share our gift of being able to interpret childhood innocence for the rest, the quicker we’ll reverse the epidemic of pre-school expulsion now threatening our most vulnerable all across the U.S.
Believe well!
Adelaide Zindler, B.S., Fp
The Savvy Parent Coach
http://Www.CoachMyParents.com
http://thesavvyparentcoach.wordpress.com
Now I can see these pictures in context. Thanks for the post.
Dear Mark – I look forward to each and every blog post you write. Thank you – I think your work is wonderful. Yes, this one brought up stuff for me too – remembering the aloneness of my tonsils op when I was 7ish (I am now almost 40). And the raft of other painful stuff from childhood. Y Thinking about my own 3 darling kids and what they have sustained already and wanting to be better resourced around how I deal with things in the future.
I remember my almost 15 yr old, at 2.5yrs with his broken arm, and them not letting me into the operating theatre till he was out. Me a young mother who was not assertive enough. The huge trauma that was for him as he was ripped from my arms. I certainly did things very very very differently for my 6 yr odl son when he was 5 and had to have a GA. I was very assertive and made sure they danced to our tune and not the other way around. Hospitals need to understand this stuff. Peter Levines work is wonderful in thsi area of trauma.
Anyway – thanks for the reminder about Carla Hannaford. I read thsi years ago and would like to build her stuff into our lives.
Warmly
Hilary in NZ
Hi I really enjoyed you post. I work at a childcare center and experience on a daily basis the fear that a child has when bieng left with a stranger, or even with someone they continue to see everyday. The transition is so overwhelming for them. You talked of Brain Gym, where is a good place I can view more info on this. Or do you have any advice on what would help the transition. I can relate with some of the issues that come out of these traumas. I have had a few of my own. Horrible experience that take a lifetime and longer to overcome. So If I can help to lesson a childs trauma that would be wonderful.
Debbie
hi Mark. I’m sorry for the pain you experienced as a child. I think it’s remarkable that you are able to talk about it and figure out what makes people tick.
The reason for my writing is that I’m surprised that someone as sensitive as you are would use the words “social retard.” It’s a very demeaning phrase and very offensive to me as a parent of a special needs child.
I know you didn’t mean any harm and would never offend a person with a cognitive impairment to their face. Yet when you use the word retard in a slang term, you cause much pain to my family and many like mine.
Thanks so much for listening.
Hi Mark,
I am touched by your vulnerability and feel empowered by the information you presented to be a better parent.
At the ITP seminar, I shared my story regarding my youngest son, age 2, having PTSD after having tubes put in his ears. He is finding more words to tell the story about what happened to him. When they fall out in approximately 2 – 4 months we will celebrate his bravery.
During the Spring, I purchased Smart Moves to use with my older son. He was experiencing a lack of confidence regarding his writing skills. He loved the moves and practiced them at the end of recess. He spotted some other children using the moves which was encouraging. He is doing much better all the way around this year. I’m glad to have some fun and really effective tools to use with them.
Love your article!!!
Warmly,
Desiree
great post!
My husband and I constantly talk about how parents blindly place their children in situtions that are traumatic because they are not tapped into their child deep enough.
i could say more, bt i am holding my baby. great post though. i will follow your blog.
Message to ‘Mary’. “Social retard” is exactly the correct term. You are the letting your emotions trigger a response. Look up the meaning ‘retard’ or ‘ to retard’ in a dictionary. If not able to move freely in a social enviroment then this would be ‘socialy retared’.